(**Spoiler alert — if you have not watched the latest episode of The Walking Dead, please avert your eyes**)
…unless you’re a doctor in a makeshift Atlanta hospital during the zombie apocalypse. And if that happens to be the case, you can just forget about that whole Hippocratic oath thing. So learned Beth when she woke up as a patient in Crazytown General (at least we know where she is now). More than a hospital, it appears to be a semi-functioning community populated by sadistic cops (seriously – these guys could give the T-1000 in Terminator 2 a run for its money), one solitary doctor with a penchant for blues, Caravaggio paintings and murder (but only when his job is threatened), and citizens who have been rescued, treated for their injuries, and then forced into servitude as orderlies. Grey’s Anatomy this is NOT and you certainly won’t find Dr. McDreamy or Dr. McSteamy roaming the halls. Instead, you’ve got Dr. McMurder, Officer McMega-Bitch and Officer McRapey. And boy do they run a tight ship. Once again, I’ll dispense with a full recap and just get down to business with a few random thoughts about the episode:
** I think it’s official at this point – in the zombie apocalypse of The Walking Dead, all functioning communities should be AVOIDED like …well…the plague. So far, we’ve had Woodbury, which was really like Mayberry with The Governor as a murderous, one-eyed, psychopathic version of Andy Griffith; Terminus, which was a cult of cannibals with Gareth as their fearless hipster leader, who actually made The Governor look semi-stable; and now, Crazytown General, where they save your life and then force you to be thankful about it by holding you hostage as one of their employees. If you refuse to cooperate, make a mistake, or get all “this is ‘merica, I do what I want” and try to leave, they’ll just beat you, maim you, amputate an appendage or – and this is TOTALLY worst case scenario – kill you. But hey, at least they aren’t eating people. Just guinea pigs.
** “On the good ship lollipop…” When Officer McRapey forced Beth to suck on his green lollipop, I actually cringed before my gag reflex kicked in (and that was AFTER enduring that whole amputation by piano wire thing). Ugh. Thanks a lot, Walking Dead, for turning a green lollipop into a symbol for sexual assault.
** The Great Escape. Down an elevator shaft. Onto a pile of dead bodies. Through a horde of zombies. Run, Noah, run! But not you, Beth. You get to have the Crazytown Cops save your life again, cuff you, and drag you back into the joint. But hey – to be fair, helping Noah get out was the least you could do for the guy after he took the blame for you when you accidentally killed that new patient. It wasn’t your fault, though. Dr. McMurder intentionally gave you the name of the wrong drug to administer because the new guy just happened to be an oncologist in the pre-zombie world, so McMurder was just trying to maintain job security. No biggie.
** After feeding McRapey to a zombie, sassing McMegaBitch and heading towards Dr. McMurder with shiv in hand and justifiable homicide on the brain, Beth’s transformation into the Sarah Connor of the zombie apocalypse is now complete. She’s mad as hell, and she’s not taking it anymore. And now that Carol is being wheeled in on a gurney … look out, Crazytown General. S**t’s about to get real.
And that’s it for this week, Dead-heads! Back next Monday with a brand new sugar-free digest.