(** Spoiler Alert – if you are not yet caught up on “The Walking Dead”, please avert your eyes**)
In last night’s episode, “Consumed”, Carol and Daryl took a trip into the big city of Hotlanta to (hopefully) recover Beth. So, as always, I’ll forego the recap and just get down to business:
** Will they FINALLY do the deed?? Do I care? No, they won’t and no, I don’t. The only thing i cared about in the first half of this episode was the fact that Carol – unlike Maggie – doesn’t feel the need to murder a perfectly good silence with too many unnecessary words. Thank God.
** In perhaps the night’s most exciting moment, Daryl and Carol made like Thelma & Louise and, rather than being overtaken by a swarm of zombies, jump into a van already teetering on the edge of a bridge, buckle up, hold hands and rock it until it crashes to the ground. By some miracle (I guess there are still plenty of those left to go around during a zombie apocalypse), the van lands upright, like a cat on all fours. Yay! “We’re okay!” Carol breathlessly proclaims. Cue the zombie downpour, as the walkers from the bridge start crashing onto the van (those lousy weathermen can never get it right, can they?)
** Noah?? WTF?!?!? On the floor of an abandoned building, in the middle of a makeshift campground full of walkers in sleeping bags and sealed up in tents, you stumble upon two survivors toting serious weaponry. But rather than making nice with them and, I don’t know, maybe asking to join them, you ROB DARYL DIXON OF HIS CROSSBOW!! Now, to be fair, Daryl does have that homegrown hillbilly look to him, so maybe your concern was that you’d be told you had a ‘purty mouth before being asked to drop your pants and squeal like a pig. But after you took their weapons, did you have to unleash a tent full of walkers? Oh, wait … that’s right … you just…robbed…Daryl…Dixon, after which you realized aloud that these people look like they can take care of themselves. Okay, I get it. You’re buying more time to get away. Hopefully far, far away, at least far enough that Daryl doesn’t ever find you again …
** … but he does! And guess what happens when you steal from Daryl Dixon and he finds you again? Well, if you’re struggling to avoid becoming a zombie’s afternoon snack, Daryl will oblige you by kicking over a large bookshelf and pinning you to the ground. While you lay there begging for help, Daryl will reclaim his crossbow, swipe your last pack of cigarettes, and light up while snarling “I already helped you once. I ain’t helpin’ you again.” (panties dropping everywhere). Daryl Dixon is sick of your s**t, Noah. Only by the grace of Carol shall you be saved (and are).
** Question: Why did Carol cross the road? Oh, wait! She didn’t. She got hit by a car full of Crazytown General’s finest, then got kinda sorta kidnapped while Daryl watches, convinced by Noah that going after them right now would be a very, very bad idea. And he’s right. A better idea is stealing a box truck and rounding up Rick & Co. so that Dawn and her squad of rapist cops can finally find out what others have learned the hard way….